So in my last post about Samuel I wrote how he wasn’t that into me, he didn’t cuddle with me at all when he slept over and he likes to indulge in opium. I also sexy texted him and he didn’t answer back. All those things reversed in a few days (apart from the opium bit).
1. The sexy text
I said that I sent a ‘subtly sexy’ text as a test, because if a guy isn’t into that, he’s not into you AT ALL. He answered in the morning say that that was an absolutely lovely text to wake up too with a smiley. I liked reading that and realized I don’t understand his habits. He’s not attached to the phone and I think he lets it die often (I do the same).
2. He wasn’t that into me
He facebook chatted me last week saying ‘what are you doing Friday.’ I said I might have plans, then he said ‘oh ok.. I wanted to know if you wanted to come over for dinner.’ So, we set it up for Saturday, I had Sunday off. This is when I addressed the cuddling issue.
3. The spooning
When he offered to make me dinner, I said something that I’m not assuming anything since he’s an awful cuddler (but Saturday night would be better). We talked about it, I told him I felt irritated when I left cause his back was to me the whole time, and all I wanted was for him to turn around. He apologized (said my bed [futon] was uncomfortable) and seemed flattered that I just wanted him to turn around.
4. Smoking opium
He explained a little more about the opium. I’m not thinking about it right now. In another conversation, I mentioned something about a bar with a name that might be offensive to recovering alcoholics and he said he didn’t like that because he knows many people in recovery. (As do I.) This was when I brought up the opium thing (again) and explained my reluctance to want to understand it (my parents were both drug users, this is the cause of both their deaths); it touches a nerve.
So here’s the story-
I went over for dinner. It was so similar to the day I went to make dinner at Ryan‘s for our second date. I got lost, was way late, had to take a cab like 2 blocks, it was freezing, etc. The only difference was the fact that this time, I didn’t almost get arrested. (This is the only difference between Sally now and Sally two years ago.) Blah blah dinner was delish. His apartment is GORGEOUS. But it’s like almost in Bay Ridge. My apartment sucks, but I live on the Upper West Side. Soo..
I think I mentioned that the last time he slept at my place I kind of had that ‘aha’ moment with him when I realized he was actually quite attractive and I couldn’t take my eyes off him, his face, his shoulders, etc, while we were rolling around. He definitely had that moment with me. He was very expressive over it. It started by me catching him staring at me while I was on top of him before he started to say how good I looked naked. Then I could feel him looking at me intensely, saying oh my god.. He was getting turned on by just looking at me, which felt great.
We wound up having sex, though it wasn’t on the top of my list, but I didn’t want to stop what we were doing. I guess it was the only place it could have gone. It felt really good, for a change (both times). Before we went to bed he told me how gorgeous I was.
He cuddled all night and all morning. That’s all I wanted. I tried to get up in the morning, and he would pull me back in..
We were in bed until about 3 pm. He told me again how good looking I was and how great I looked in the morning. And how ridiculously good I was at giving head. We had sex again. It felt really good again, I actually almost came (except he did first).
We went out after that, to shop and then to eat, then we split.
He said he’d see me at work if he didn’t see me sooner.
So yea, that all sounds really good. It all felt good.
But the depression is coming on. The one that comes with intimacy followed by distance. I’m fighting it. I’m thinking of family. I feel a heaviness in my chest. I want to cry. I want to understand myself better. I don’t want to fuck up another relationship. I don’t want to cheat myself out of meaning.
He came into my job today. It was nice. He’s not so touchy in public. I hug even my friends when I say hi. I went in, and his response was delayed if not perfunctory. Trying to predict what’s in someone’s head is dizzying. I’m not going to. I want to focus on me. But I want to be hugged… and loved.
Sigh.
At least if I find a psychiatrist from the list I was referred to by the counseling service on campus maybe I can prioritize a little better. I need ideas. I need to figure out how to fill the emptiness on my own.
He
Recent Comments