I’m talking about Samuel, who totally reminds me of Noah. This might be a sort of test. One where I move on in spite of the fact I am physically attracted and find something genuinely appealing about their personality.
Samuel is no where near as big of a loser as Noah, in no shape or form. He is articulate, present, witty, concise, interesting and has a job. But the fact that I am ignoring red flags for how he looks (and he’s not that great looking, but when we were fooling around on Friday, I had that aha moment where I realized how naturally attractive he was) reminds me of Noah, and that was something that carried on for much longer than it ever should have.
So first, Samuel has slept over my place twice. We have not had sex or orgasms with each other. He did not cuddle or spoon the first night, and the second time he did a little in the morning. But guess what, you’re at my place, I made you dinner, and you’re going to sleep with your back to me?? Not only that, I’m leaving for work at 8:30 and you’re sleeping in– if you’re not that into me, get the fuck out of my apartment.
I tend to overreact emotionally. I was feeling kind of irritable over it most of the day, but I jammed out to some music at work, resisting the urge to get wasted or do something ridiculous. I tried to break down what was bothering me and it came down to the simple uncertainty of how much, if at all, he was into me. When we went out on Wednesday he seemed quite into me. We went out to dinner he paid, he was being affectionate and he made plans for Friday with me. On Friday when he came over he was more tight lipped, I feel like we didn’t talk about anything. The only thing that stayed with me is that he told me he smokes opium. Upon seeing my reaction, he assured me it’s nothing like heroin, but I don’t care. This is also what reminded me of Noah, pill popping became a serious addiction. Samuel is much more together than Noah, and while he is not a loser, it is lame and not impressive. I want to be impressed, is that so much to ask? I’ve passed the last several years in a bottle of booze to the point where I disdain this escapism, even though I took part in it for so long. Where are all the people who can handle the cold sobriety of reality? Telling me you smoke opium does not earn cool points in my book.
In the morning when we woke up, he said ‘come here’ and put me on his chest and I whispered that I’d been trying to do that all morning. I can’t judge him yet for his bad cuddling skills, but I am affectionate. What’s the point of sleeping over if you don’t want to be close to someone? I don’t know. I decided to ease my mind at around 6 pm by texting him. I said something funny/snide and he responded. I then asked if he had fun and he said “Yeah!!” I said cool, I’m glad ttys. That assured me to a point, but still doesn’t answer if you’re into me. A few days pass and said something not overtly sexy because my new rule is if a guy doesn’t respond to something with a sexy undertone, he’s not that into you. He hasn’t responded.
I like him, and it’s bothering me that I’m not getting back what I want from him. He might like me or whatever, but I think I need to accept that he won’t be able to give me what I want to even maintain the most casual relationship. Homo.
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